Setting family rules that hold up in daily life
Seven rules on the fridge that nobody remembers any more. How good intentions become rules your child goes along with – and that you can keep up.
Picture a Sunday evening. You are all at the table, somebody has fetched a pen, and by the end there is a list of eight points: no arguing, shoes put away, be friendly, phone only after homework, be on time for dinner.
By Wednesday the sheet is hanging crooked on the fridge. By Friday nobody remembers point five. That is rarely down to goodwill and almost always down to there having been too many rules — and rules that were too vague.
The short version
- Less is more: the AOK's ADHD parent training advises at most three rules at a time.
- A rule has to be concrete enough that anyone can see whether it was kept.
- It should be chosen so that your child can manage it at least half the time, says the training.
- Under the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, children have a right to have their views taken into account — at home too.
- Being consistent means: the same behaviour gets the same response, from every adult.
What are rules for in the first place?
Rules take decisions out of daily life. Whatever has been settled once does not have to be discussed afresh every day — and that is exactly what takes the load off both sides. The social pedagogue Beate Weymann writes in the IFP family handbook that the world looks confusing to children and that limits give them orientation.
The catch: rules only take the load off if they hold. A rule renegotiated every evening is not a rule; it is a topic of conversation.
How many rules make sense?
The AOK's ADHD parent training recommends at most three rules at a time. The reasoning is practical: children find it easier to keep to a few rules, and parents find them easier to uphold. The training has ADHD in its name, but according to the AOK its methods suit all families.
A second piece of advice from there is at least as useful: choose rules your child can keep at least half the time. A rule they fail at daily is not a rule; it is a machine for disappointment.
How do you word a rule that carries?
Good rules describe behaviour, not attitude. “Be friendly” cannot be checked; “we wait until the other person has finished speaking” can.
| Instead of | Better |
|---|---|
| “Take your shoes off.” | “Outdoor shoes always come off in front of the flat door.” |
| “Don't watch so many films.” | “A film may be on from 6 to 6.30 pm.” |
| “Tidy your room.” | “Before dinner the blocks go in the box.” |
| “Don't be so loud.” | “After eight we speak quietly in the hall.” |
The examples in the first two rows follow the ADHD parent training. The child and adolescent psychotherapist Klaus Fischer also advises in the IFP family handbook wording rules positively — saying what should apply rather than what is forbidden.
Should children have a say in the rules?
Yes, in a way that suits their age. The social pedagogue Ursula Winklhofer describes in the IFP family handbook the principle of “freedom within limits”: parents take the child's view seriously, allow as much of their own decision-making as possible, and at the same time set clear limits suited to their age. She points to the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which sets out the right to have the child's views taken into account (Article 12) and the right to freedom of expression (Article 13).
Having a say is not deciding everything. Whether teeth are brushed in the evening is not up for a vote. When, in what order and with which music — about that your child can certainly say something. And a rule they helped write is, after all, partly their rule.
How to set your rules
- Collect what is currently grating. Everyone may name two things, adults included.
- Pick at most three. The rest comes later, or not at all.
- Word each rule so that it can be seen. Who, what, when.
- Write them down. The medical guideline on screen use explicitly recommends setting media-time rules down together in writing. The same goes for the rest.
- Fix a date to review. In four weeks you look at what is holding and what is not.
Three rules everyone keeps are worth more than ten on the fridge.
What if nobody keeps to them?
Check the rule first, not the child. Was it too big, too vague, or at the wrong time of day? A rule may be rewritten — best done together and not in the middle of an argument.
Stay consistent. Weymann stresses in the family handbook: the same behaviour must get the same response. That goes between you as adults just as much as from Monday to Sunday.
Announce rather than threaten. Empty threats are among the classic traps Fischer names. Think beforehand about what happens if the rule is not kept — and make it something you will really do. What separates a consequence from a punishment is set out in when children do not listen.
Adults are included. If no phones go on the table at mealtimes, then none do. Children notice very precisely who a rule applies to.
Say so when it works. The parent training explicitly advises praising the keeping of a rule. How recognition lands is covered in praising children well.
How Fleißstern keeps rules visible
Many family rules are at heart recurring tasks: putting shoes away, laying the table, packing the school bag. In Fleißstern you set them up once — daily, on particular weekdays or every few days — and your child sees in the children's view what is due today, instead of your having to remind them.
For rules around screen time there is “stars for screen time” with Premium: the agreed time is stored there instead of being renegotiated every evening. More on that in screen time without arguments.
Common questions
How many family rules make sense?
The AOK's ADHD parent training advises at most three rules at a time, because children find it easier to keep to a few rules and parents find them easier to uphold. When a new rule arrives, an old one should have become so self-evident that it no longer needs attention.
How do I word a family rule properly?
Concretely enough that everyone can see whether it was kept. So instead of “don't watch so much television”, something like: “A film may be on from 6 to 6.30 pm.” It also helps to say what should apply rather than what is forbidden.
Should children have a say in family rules?
In a way that suits their age, yes. Under the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, children have a right to have their views taken into account. That does not mean everything is up for a vote: parents decide some rules, while on many details the child can have a say — and then usually finds it easier to keep to them.
What if nobody keeps to the rules?
Usually the rule is the problem, not the goodwill: too many at once, too vague, or too hard. Review them together in a calm moment, cut back to at most three, and decide beforehand what happens if a rule is not kept — something you will really carry out.
Sources
- Wenige und klare Regeln (ADHS-Elterntrainer) – AOK-Bundesverband
- Wann hilft der Elterntrainer? (ADHS-Elterntrainer) – AOK-Bundesverband
- Kinder brauchen Grenzen (Beate Weymann) – IFP-Familienhandbuch, Bavarian State Institute of Early Childhood Research
- Grenzen setzen in der Erziehung (Klaus Fischer) – IFP-Familienhandbuch
- Wir bestimmen mit! Das Recht auf Partizipation in der Familie (Ursula Winklhofer) – IFP-Familienhandbuch
- UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, full text – Deutsches Kinderhilfswerk, kinderrechte.de
- Empfehlungen (including no. 13) – medienleitlinie.de (online version of the German AWMF guideline 027-075)