Two homes: shared rules after a separation
“But at Dad's I'm allowed to.” Which rules really should match across two households, and which can happily stay different.
Picture a Sunday evening. Your child comes through the door with their rucksack, tells you about a wonderful weekend, and then adds the sentence every separated parent knows: “But at Dad's I'm allowed to.”
This time it is about screen time. Next time it will be bedtime, then phones at the table. And each time the same question hangs in the air: does everything really have to run the same way in both households?
The short version
- No, not everything has to be the same. What matters is that the few genuinely important rules match.
- Under section 1687 of the German Civil Code, separated parents with joint care need agreement on matters of considerable significance; everyday matters are decided by the parent the child is with.
- Under section 1684, every child has a right to contact with both parents, and both must refrain from anything that damages the relationship with the other parent.
- The Bavarian parenting guide advises speaking respectfully about the other parent and providing a reliable routine.
- If you cannot agree, mediation, family counselling services or the youth welfare office help – not the child as go-between.
Do the same rules have to apply in both households?
No. Two adults have two ways of running an evening, and that was true before the separation too. Children cope well with differences as long as they are reliable: after all, different rules apply in grandma's kitchen as well.
It only becomes a problem when differences are unpredictable or run one of the two homes down. It therefore helps to sort the rules into two piles:
| Better the same in both homes | May happily differ |
|---|---|
| Bedtime on school nights | What there is for breakfast |
| Phone and screen rules in outline | Whether a film is on at the weekend |
| How homework and school things are handled | Where the homework is done |
| Agreements about pocket money | How tidy the bedroom is |
The left-hand column is short, and that is deliberate. Anyone trying to make two households identical ends up negotiating about brands of pasta. How to turn many good intentions into a few workable rules is set out in setting family rules.
What does the law say?
Where parental care is shared, section 1687 of the German Civil Code separates two levels. For decisions whose settlement is of considerable significance for the child — the choice of school, for instance — both parents need mutual agreement. Matters of daily life, by contrast, are decided alone by the parent with whom the child usually lives; during a contact weekend the same applies to the other parent. Everyday matters, according to the law, are those that occur frequently and have no effects on the child's development that would be hard to change.
Alongside that stands section 1684: the child has a right to contact with each parent, and both are obliged and entitled to have contact. Subsection 2 sets out the duty of good conduct: parents must refrain from anything that damages the child's relationship with the other parent or makes their upbringing harder.
Translated: bedtime on Sunday is everyday life and therefore a matter for the household the child is in. And disparaging remarks about the other parent are not a question of taste. On concrete disputes, the youth welfare office or a solicitor can advise.
How do you agree the rules?
Few points, one appointment. Take the time once for the three or four things in the left-hand column – not in passing at the handover.
Put it in writing. The Bavarian parenting guide advises writing down who is there for the children and when: the more regular and reliable the care, the better. The same goes for rules.
Choose a calm channel. “Lisa slept badly last night” is factual information. Conversations about your relationship do not belong in the same chat.
The child is not a messenger. “Tell your father that …” makes a child the negotiator in a matter that is none of their business.
Allow for revision. Children get older, weekly plans change. Look at it again after a few months.
Not every rule has to be the same. But every rule should be reliable.
What children need across two homes
The Bavarian parenting guide names points that count for more in daily life than any list of rules. Speak respectfully about the other parent and keep your anger to yourself. Provide a reliable daily routine, because children need constancy. And do not use your child as a substitute for conversation.
Expect questions to come back, too: according to the guide, you will have to explain many things more than once. That is normal. A visible weekly plan also helps, so that your child can see when they are where – what belongs on it is set out in a weekly plan for children.
What if you cannot agree?
Some questions cannot be settled between two people, and that is not a failure. The Bavarian parenting guide names mediation: a neutral, impartial person mediates and helps clarify the essential points of disagreement, with the aim of a plan for what comes next. Alongside that, family counselling services, family support points and the youth welfare office are available.
What helps in the meantime: do not fight the argument out over the other household's rules. A child who hears “Mum lets you because Mum doesn't care” does not lose the rule — they lose a piece of a parent.
How Fleißstern connects two households
With Premium the other parent can join in Fleißstern, with their own account and their own name. You will find the invitation in the app under Settings → Parents in the family, and in the browser under Settings → Parents. You pass the link on or have the QR code scanned; it is valid for seven days and only once.
Both of you then see the same tasks, stars and rewards, no matter which home the child is in at the time. An app settles nothing – it just makes sure you are both talking about the same numbers.
Common questions
Do separated parents have to have the same rules?
Not all of them. Children cope well with differences between two households as long as they are reliable. The few important points should match: bedtimes on school nights, the outline of screen rules, and how school things are handled.
Who decides about everyday matters when parents are separated?
Under section 1687 of the German Civil Code, where parental care is shared, matters of daily life are decided by the parent with whom the child usually lives; during contact the same applies to the other parent. Decisions of considerable significance need the agreement of both.
What can I say when my child says “at Dad's I'm allowed to”?
Calmly, and without judging the other household: “At Dad's that's how it works; here it stops at eight.” What matters is not running the other parent down – section 1684 explicitly obliges both parents not to damage the child's relationship with the other.
Where can separated parents get support?
Family counselling services in Germany generally advise free of charge and in confidence, including on separation and contact. The Bavarian parenting guide also names mediation, in which a neutral person mediates between the parents, as well as family support points and the youth welfare office.
Sources
- Trennung und Scheidung – Bayerischer Erziehungsratgeber (BAER), Bavarian State Ministry for Family, Labour and Social Affairs
- Erziehungsberatungsstellen – Bayerischer Erziehungsratgeber (BAER)
- Trennung: Kinder wollen wissen, wie es weitergeht – IFP-Familienhandbuch, Bavarian State Institute of Early Childhood Research
- Elterliche Sorge nach Trennung und Scheidung – IFP-Familienhandbuch
- Section 1684 of the German Civil Code (BGB) – the child's contact with their parents – Federal Ministry of Justice, gesetze-im-internet.de
- Section 1687 of the German Civil Code (BGB) – exercising joint parental care when living apart – Federal Ministry of Justice, gesetze-im-internet.de