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When children do not listen: consequences instead of punishment

“Put your shoes on, please” – louder the second time, with a threat by the fourth. How to get out of that loop without shouting or punishing.

· 7 min read

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A woman in a denim jacket kneeling in a park at eye level with a toddler in an orange gilet, holding their hands
Photo: Helena Lopes / Unsplash

Picture it: you have to leave in five minutes. “Put your shoes on, please,” you call from the kitchen. Nothing happens. The second time you are louder; by the fourth comes the line: “If you don't do it right now …”

In the end you are kneeling in the hall putting the shoes on yourself. Your child watches, you are exasperated, and the morning already has a kink in it.

The short version

  • Children not doing as they are asked is a common problem for parents, and there is usually no bad intent behind it.
  • More effective than repeating loudly: first get your child's attention, then ask clearly and only one thing at a time.
  • A consequence is connected to the behaviour – sweeping up the pieces after a knocked-over vase. A ban on television would not be a logical consequence.
  • Shouting and shaming, according to the US paediatricians' association, do little in the short term and nothing in the long term.
  • In Germany, children have a legal right to an upbringing free of violence, corporal punishment, emotional harm and other degrading measures.

Why does my child not listen?

First, some reassurance: you are not alone. A review in the journal Pediatrics describes children's non-compliance as a common problem for parents (Kalb & Loeber, 2003).

The AOK's ADHD parent training notes that in most cases children do not behave that way to annoy their parents. Possible reasons, it says, include a bad day, trouble at school, or tiredness. The training has ADHD in its name, but according to the AOK its methods suit all families and all children. And if you have any doubt about whether your child hears well, the German Federal Institute for Public Health (BIÖG) advises having it checked by a paediatrician.

The loop of repeating, threatening and giving in

The parent training describes a typical vicious circle: a request is repeated, then made louder, then comes a threat. In the end parents turn away as soon as the child finally complies, get their way through pressure, or do it themselves after all. If parents give in, the child learns – says the training – that they only have to sit out the nagging and the threats for long enough.

How do you ask so that children listen?

The parent training names six points for requests that work:

  1. Only ask when something really matters to you.
  2. Know beforehand what you will do if your child does not react.
  3. Make sure your child is paying attention.
  4. Ask clearly; do not phrase it as a request for a favour.
  5. Give only one instruction at a time.
  6. Check whether your child does it, and praise them when it works.
Instead ofBetter
Calling from the kitchen: “Shoes on.”Going over, waiting until your child looks at you: “Put your shoes on now, please.”
“Could you lay the table?”“Please lay the table now.”
“Teeth, pyjamas, lights out.”First “brush your teeth”, then the next thing

Asking a favour is something else: there your child may say no, says the training. So only ask a question when a no is genuinely alright.

Consequence or punishment: what is the difference?

A natural consequence follows from the behaviour by itself. A logical consequence is set by parents, but it is connected to the behaviour. The idea goes back to the educational psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs.

The parents' letters of the German association for Catholic family education name two conditions: parents do not scold but explain the connection matter-of-factly, kindly and firmly. And the consequence must be connected to the behaviour. Dangerous consequences – playing near a busy road, for instance – must not be allowed to happen.

SituationConsequence with a connectionPunishment without one
A vase breaks during rough playSweep up the pieces, mop up the water, move the flowersNo television
The wellies for the playground are refusedThe outing does not happenNo pudding
The agreement to stay in the garden does not holdToday we play indoorsGrounded at the weekend

The examples in the middle column come from those parents' letters. Screen time is also a poor punishment: the German medical guideline advises against using screen media as a reward or a punishment. More on that in screen time without arguments.

A child in a winter coat and boots, seen from behind, stomping through a large puddle
Photo: Maxim Tolchinskiy / Unsplash

How do you carry out a consequence calmly?

  • Announce it and give a chance. Name what is not alright and say what will happen otherwise. If your child does it now, praise them for it.
  • Listen. Let your child explain what was going on. If there is a good reason, the consequence may also be dropped.
  • Do not argue. Debates about principles do not belong in the charged moment, says the training, but in a calm one later.
  • Stay calm. If you are very worked up yourself, the training suggests letting some time pass, leaving the room, or breathing deeply.

What is allowed in bringing up a child?

Under section 1631 of the German Civil Code, every child has a right to care and upbringing free of violence, corporal punishment, emotional harm and other degrading measures. The American Academy of Pediatrics writes that corporal punishment, along with shouting and shaming, achieves little in the short term and nothing in the long term (Sege, Siegel et al., 2018).

Nobody has to be perfect at this. If you have got it wrong yourself, the BIÖG says you may apologise to your child. If the anger keeps boiling over, the parent training advises a conversation at your doctor's practice or a family counselling service.

How Fleißstern helps you repeat yourself less

Many of the daily requests are always the same: brush your teeth, shoes on, pack the school bag. In Fleißstern you set them up once as tasks, and your child sees in the children's view what is due today. At a fixed time a reminder arrives on the phone if you want one.

If a task is left undone, there simply are no stars for it. Stars can only be deducted if you switch that on for a task explicitly. And if something works without being asked, you can award extra stars by hand – or simply say what you noticed.

Common questions

What can I do if my child does not listen?

It helps to secure your child's attention first, then ask clearly and only one thing at a time. The AOK's ADHD parent training also advises thinking beforehand about what will happen if your child does not react, and praising them when they do as asked.

What is the difference between a consequence and a punishment?

A consequence is connected to the behaviour: whoever knocks a vase over during rough play sweeps up the pieces. A punishment such as a television ban has nothing to do with what happened. It also matters, say the parents' letters, that parents do not scold but stay matter-of-fact, kind and firm.

Which consequences make sense with children?

Consequences that follow from the behaviour or are closely connected to it. One example from the parents' letters: whoever does not keep to the agreement to stay in the garden plays indoors today. Dangerous consequences, such as playing near a busy road, must not be allowed to happen.

Does banning television work as a punishment?

Probably not. The German medical guideline on screen use among children and young people advises against using screen media either as a reward or as a punishment. A television ban also usually has nothing to do with the behaviour – and that connection is exactly what makes a consequence logical.

Sources

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