When siblings compare themselves: fair, not identical
Who has more stars, who has to lay the table more often? How to treat siblings fairly without making everything identical – and without a contest at the kitchen table.
Dinner at the Albers'. The family is invented; the moment may not be.
Lina, nine, puts down her fork: “Emil gets two stars for laying the table, and I only get two for the whole dishwasher. That's so unfair.” Emil, six, is meanwhile counting out loud how often Lina has been allowed to stay up later this week.
You are sitting between them and you can already tell: whatever you say now, one of the two will find it unfair. Moments like that are what this is about.
The short version
- Siblings comparing themselves is not a parenting failure: according to the psychologist Hartmut Kasten, rivalry between siblings grows above all out of the constant comparisons they make with each other.
- Fair does not mean identical: in a US study of 11- to 13-year-olds, three quarters of the children who noticed being treated differently did not find it unfair.
- In a further study, different treatment was linked to worse parent-child relationships only where young people experienced it as unfair.
- The Bavarian parenting guide advises avoiding comparisons between children and also taking time alone with one child.
- Chores and stars may differ by age and effort, as long as the reasons are explained openly.
Why do siblings compare themselves all the time?
Sibling rivalry means siblings competing for their parents' attention, recognition and affection. The psychologist Hartmut Kasten describes in the IFP family handbook how this rivalry arises primarily from the constant comparisons siblings make with one another. As a rule, rivalry is strongest between siblings close in age and of the same sex.
Kasten also points to the role of parents: highlighting children's traits and abilities, setting them against each other and rating them can strengthen the urge to compare. That often happens quite incidentally.
Should siblings be treated the same?
Fair does not mean that everything is divided up exactly equally. In a US study, 61 children aged 11 to 13 and their siblings were interviewed separately. Three quarters of the children who noticed being treated differently did not find it unfair, and explained it with differences in age or needs (Kowal & Kramer, 1997).
A further study with young people found that different treatment was linked to worse parent-child relationships only where it was experienced as unfair. The research team therefore stresses how important it is to talk about the reasons within the family (Kowal, Krull & Kramer, 2004).
Children do not need the same thing. They need the sense that things are fair.
How do you avoid comparisons between siblings?
The Bavarian parenting guide explicitly advises avoiding comparisons between children. But comparisons hide not only in criticism – often in praise too. It helps more to stay with the individual child:
| Instead of | Better |
|---|---|
| “Look, Emil is dressed already.” | “Your socks are on. Now there's just the jumper.” |
| “Why can't you be as tidy as Lina?” | “The blocks go in the box. Shall I show you where the small ones go?” |
| “You're the sensible one of the two.” | “Thank you for remembering the hall light.” |
The guide also recommends taking time alone with one child, for instance when a younger sibling arrives. In everyday life, small islands are often enough – ten minutes of reading aloud with the older one only.
How do you share out chores and stars fairly?
By age, not by sameness. Every child gets jobs that suit them. The overview in chores for children by age gives some orientation.
Stars by effort, explained openly. If the dishwasher is worth more stars than laying the table, say why. Better still, decide the number of stars together.
Unpopular jobs in turn. If a different child takes the bins out each day, “it's always me” takes care of itself. The social pedagogue Beate Weymann also advises in the IFP family handbook rotating who does what.
No public scoreboard. Every child knows their own standing. A league table on the fridge is more of an invitation to race.
What do you say when a child says “that's unfair”?
Back to the Albers' table. First acknowledge the feeling: “You think the dishwasher is a lot more work than laying the table.” Then set out the reason: “We put both jobs at two stars because Emil still takes a long time laying the table.”
Then look at it together: “Let's think on Sunday about whether the stars still fit.” Perhaps Lina is right; then you change it, and both of them see that rules are not arbitrary. And Emil's tally? A nine-year-old may go to bed later than a six-year-old, and when Emil is nine, the same will go for him.
How Fleißstern keeps things fair between siblings
In Fleißstern each child has their own list and their own star account, and in the children's view they see today's tasks and their own rewards. Tasks for several children can be shared out in three ways: with every child, they all have the task on their list; with taking turns, a different child is up each day; and with first come, the quickest child gets the stars. If you want to avoid competition, the first two are the calmer choice.
The statistics show for each child separately what is going well and what gets left – as a basis for a conversation with that child, not for a comparison. Several children, and sharing out by turns or by “first come”, are part of Premium.
Common questions
What can I do if siblings argue constantly?
According to the Bavarian parenting guide, when there is an argument in the bedroom it is usually impossible to establish who is at fault or who started it. When children need help, it is the parents' job to accompany them in sorting the conflict out rather than to pass judgement. Every child also needs a place to retreat to and sometimes be alone.
Should siblings be treated the same?
Fair is not the same as identical. Research shows that different treatment mainly goes with problems where children experience it as unfair, and many children explain differences themselves in terms of age or needs. What matters is discussing the reasons openly and not favouring any of the children.
What helps with jealousy between siblings?
If one child is favoured, envy and jealousy in a sibling are understandable, says the Bavarian parenting guide. It recommends avoiding comparisons between children and taking time alone with each of them. Small, reliable islands of time with each child can already help.
Should siblings get the same number of stars for the same job?
Not necessarily. Stars can follow effort and age, as long as the rules are explained openly to all the children. It is best to decide the number of stars together and check it now and then, at the weekend for instance.
Sources
- Geschwisterrivalität (Hartmut Kasten) – IFP-Familienhandbuch, Bavarian State Institute of Early Childhood Research
- Geschwister – Bayerischer Erziehungsratgeber (BAER), Bavarian State Ministry for Family, Labour and Social Affairs
- Kowal & Kramer (1997): Children's Understanding of Parental Differential Treatment. Child Development 68(1) – University of Illinois (Illinois Experts)
- Kowal, Krull & Kramer (2004): How the differential treatment of siblings is linked with parent-child relationship quality. Journal of Family Psychology 18(4) – PubMed
- Ist es sinnvoll, dass Kinder im Haushalt mithelfen? (Beate Weymann) – IFP-Familienhandbuch