Staying with a tantrum instead of punishing it

Picture standing at the till. On the belt there is milk, bread and bananas — but not the chocolate eggs beside the till. Your child says “please”, then “please” more loudly, and then they are on the floor, screaming.

Behind you, somebody sighs. You wonder whether to give in, tell them off, or just leave. For your child, the entire world has just gone wrong.

The short version

• According to the German Federal Institute for Public Health (BIÖG), defiant reactions cluster from the middle of the second year and usually become less fierce from the third year onwards.
• Behind them there are almost always disappointed expectations: your child wants something and runs into a limit.
• The BIÖG advises staying calm, staying with your child and waiting the tantrum out rather than fighting it.
• Punishment tends to reinforce the behaviour, says the BIÖG, and giving in teaches that screaming pays.
• If very fierce tantrums persist over a long period, a conversation at your paediatric practice or a counselling service is worthwhile.

Why do children have tantrums?

The BIÖG describes this stage as a phase of autonomy: it is connected to a growing sense of self, to the urge for more independence, and to progress in mental development. Defiant reactions cluster from the middle of the second year and, as language ability grows from the third year on, usually become less fierce.

The trigger, says the BIÖG, is always a disappointed expectation. Your child wants to do or have something and runs into their own limits or the ones you have set. A familiar ritual that suddenly does not happen can be enough. So a tantrum is not an attack on you: a child who is screaming simply has no better route available at that moment.

What helps in the moment itself?

• Stay calm. The BIÖG advises not catching the defiance and not entering a power struggle, because that tends to strengthen the anger.
• Little attention, plenty of closeness. Give the tantrum itself as little attention as possible, but stay with your child until they have calmed down — as long as they are not putting themselves in danger.
• Do not give in. Buying the chocolate eggs now means peace until the exit and the same moment at the next shop.
• Do not punish. Punishment tends to reinforce the behaviour rather than end it, says the BIÖG.
• Come down yourself. If you are very worked up, the AOK's ADHD parent training suggests letting some time pass, breathing deeply, or briefly leaving the room where that is safe.

A tantrum is not a negotiating session. It is a thunderstorm passing through.

Why does punishment achieve nothing?

Alongside what the BIÖG says about its effect, there is a clear legal line: under section 1631 of the German Civil Code, every child has a right to care and upbringing free of violence, corporal punishment, emotional harm and other degrading measures. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that corporal punishment, along with shouting and shaming, achieves little in the short term and nothing in the long term (Sege, Siegel et al., 2018).

Consequences connected to the behaviour are something else — clearing up together what fell down during the tantrum, for instance. Where the difference lies is set out in when children do not listen.

How can tantrums be prevented?

Announce transitions. Being pulled out of a game is a common trigger. The BIÖG advises saying a few minutes beforehand that you will be eating or leaving soon. More on that in when children dawdle.

Think about hunger and tiredness. The supermarket at half past five after a long day at nursery is no place for patience. A biscuit beforehand is not a bribe; it is foresight.

Give something to decide. A child who may choose between two jumpers does not fight about getting dressed itself.

Few, clear limits. The BIÖG recommends setting rules and limits where they are sensible and important, and otherwise leaving children enough room for their own experiences. How to find such rules is covered in setting family rules.

Say what is going well. Children get plenty of attention for what goes wrong – see praising children well.

What comes after the storm?

The BIÖG advises waiting the tantrum out and then seeking a conversation about what happened. For small children a few words are enough: “You were really angry. You wanted the eggs, and I said no.”

Naming feelings is not a decoration here. According to the BIÖG, a child only learns with parental support to notice feelings, express them and cope with them — partly by seeing adults handle their own openly. And if you got it wrong yourself: apologising to your child does not make you any smaller.

When is professional help worthwhile?

Tantrums are part of development, and this article is no substitute for advice. A conversation with professionals makes sense when very fierce tantrums persist over a longer period, when your child hurts themselves or others during them, when they are changing markedly in other ways too — or when you notice that your own temper is going more and more often.

Where anger keeps boiling over, the ADHD parent training explicitly advises a conversation at a doctor's practice or a counselling service. Local family counselling services also advise, as does the parents' helpline of “Nummer gegen Kummer” in Germany, anonymously and free of charge.

How Fleißstern helps – and how it does not

During the tantrum itself, no app helps. What Fleißstern can take on are the small points of friction beforehand: tasks with a fixed time and a reminder, a daily plan your child can see for themselves, and an end to screen time that with Premium is settled in advance rather than renegotiated every evening. Fewer reasons to argue does not mean no more anger – only less often for reasons you could have sorted out in advance.

Common questions

What should I do during a tantrum?

The German Federal Institute for Public Health advises staying calm and not starting a power struggle. Give the tantrum itself little attention, but stay with your child until they have calmed down, as long as they are not putting themselves in danger. Afterwards there is time for a calm conversation.

At what age do children have tantrums?

Defiant reactions cluster from the middle of the second year, according to the German Federal Institute for Public Health. As language ability grows from the third year on, their intensity usually decreases. Individual fierce outbursts do also happen with older children.

Should a tantrum be punished?

No. Punishment tends to reinforce the behaviour, says the German Federal Institute for Public Health. Under section 1631 of the German Civil Code, children also have a right to an upbringing free of violence, corporal punishment and emotional harm. It makes more sense to wait the tantrum out and talk about it calmly afterwards.

When should I seek help with tantrums?

When very fierce tantrums persist over a longer period, when your child hurts themselves or others, or when you are reaching your own limits. The AOK's ADHD parent training then advises a conversation at a doctor's practice or a counselling service. In Germany, the parents' helpline of “Nummer gegen Kummer” also advises anonymously and free of charge.

Sources

• Kindliche Trotzphase – kindergesundheit-info.de, German Federal Institute for Public Health (BIÖG)
• Mit Gefühlen zurechtkommen – kindergesundheit-info.de, German Federal Institute for Public Health (BIÖG)
• Wie erreiche ich, dass unsere Tochter ohne Geschrei ihr Spiel unterbricht? – kindergesundheit-info.de, BIÖG
• Förderliche Haltung (ADHS-Elterntrainer) – AOK-Bundesverband
• Sege, Siegel et al. (2018): Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children. Pediatrics 142(6) – PubMed
• Section 1631 of the German Civil Code (BGB) – scope and limits of parental care – Federal Ministry of Justice, gesetze-im-internet.de
• Beratung für Eltern und andere Bezugspersonen (Elterntelefon) – Nummer gegen Kummer e. V.